Dad2Son

It is such an irony to me how our culture defines success! Men in particular need to feel like a “success” and be respected by their wife, peers and children.  However, men are often mis-guided by the wrong definition of “success.” I think in order to define a person as a success you really need to break down “success” into categories: financial, health (mental/physical/spiritual), relational, purpose, etc.

It just kills me when I hear someone described as a success because they drive a Lambo (like the picture for example).  They might even be in so much debt that they really aren’t even a true financial success. We all too often look at the outer shell or “image” and make assumptions about the other areas of life. Many people seem to make the false assumption that if they are financially successful then the other areas of health, relationships, etc will fall into line. In some cases this is true and the family handles their finances well, and demonstrate a good balance in life. However, I can’t help but think of the person driving the Lambo by himself/herself that is an absolute failure in virtually all of their personal relationships, is a mental health wreck and has no real purpose in life but to make money….yet they are considered a “success.”

I so badly want to pass along a different vision of success to my sons that I know will provide a life of fulfillment, joy and purpose! I hope and pray they understand that success must be balanced and built from a solid foundation through a focus on priorities that will create true substance/purpose in their lives. Life also has a way of forcing us to “cheat” something because we only have so much time/energy and at times hard decisions must be made. When this happens, I desperately hope my sons choose the things with substance and purpose and then work hard to support their families….not by letting go of substance to pursue money/financial success at all costs. All too often I encounter situations where relationships have become the casualties of the quest for financial “success.” Please know that I’m not in any way suggesting anyone neglect finances! It is a well known family fact that finances are by far the number one source of marital conflict and dads should lead by example and fight hard to make a good living, while making sound financial decisions at home. The sad fact is that people who make a lot of money are often just as vulnerable to financial problems as those making very little money.  No matter how much money a family has coming in, they must make wise decisions or it can create real, detrimental problems.  The wonderful thing is that real success can be had by anyone.  It doesn’t take intelligence, money, or skill. However, it does require focus, humility and perhaps a lot of self  sacrifice. In the end, the latter definition may be harder for some to attain that the first!

Encouragement: Are you pushing things financially to an unhealthy level? How can you create a solid financial base for you and your family that will allow you to be balanced in the other areas of “success” defined above (mental/physical/spiritual health, relational,etc) How do you really define “success” in your heart and what does this model to your sons?

There is nothing like having a young son watch you shave with shaving cream. The first time they see it they are elated and usually laugh like crazy. Because I’ve been through this process three different times with three boys it’s always fun to watch the different reactions. My youngest son thinks I have “spikes” on my face and has tried several times to pull the “spikes” out. The greatest part about it is that he can’t say “spikes” correctly so it comes out “fikes.” These “fikes” really seemed to bother him and then one day he came into the bathroom when I was shaving and had shaving cream all over my face. He was busting up because I was acting like Santa and saying ho, ho, ho in my deepest voice.  He thought my white beard was great. I then explained that daddy was removing the “fikes” from his face. When he heard that, he perched himself on the side of my sink and watched very, very intently. When I was done and let him feel my face he was soooo excited and couldn’t believe I had removed the “fikes.” After this whole process unfolded he asked: “Daddy, will I have fikes too?” It was apparent the whole ordeal really got him thinking. I explained to him that he would indeed get some nice “fikage” some day…along with some smelly b.o. and lot’s of body hair:)

It got me thinking later about the specific things that dads need to pass along to their boys. Like shaving, it’s very apparent that there are some things that a dad really needs to pass along to his son. How many other issues are there like shaving that might be over looked and not addressed? I know people will argue that a mom can teach a kid whatever needs to be taught (including shaving). I certainly understand many families are in difficult situations and do not have a dad around that is willing or capable of addressing these types of issues. However, part of the purpose of this blog is to hold out what could and should be possible and encourage dads to take on additional challenges/responsibilities specifically associated with raising their sons. If this blog helps even one dad find new hope, motivation or insight in their relationships with their sons, I will consider it a great success.

I remember as a young boy watching the Wizard of Oz for the first time and being shocked when I finally got to see the “Wizard.” I think at that point and time in both my life, and within history in general, special effects were neither elaborate or really well known. When all the lighting and sound and “effects” were finally exposed for what they were it was shocking. There behind the curtain sat an old guy on a stool pulling levers and switches. How many times do you hear about people in the most serious relationships  (husband-wife/father-mother/son-daughter/etc) where one individual finds out the shocking truth about what was “behind the curtain” of a loved one. It reminds me of an auditor I knew once that described how almost all of the people he busted for high level financial crimes started small. It would start with something little like hiding a small financial loss in an unknown account. Then they realized they did not get caught so the next time another loss came around they would hide and hide it and hide it…until they finally get caught. I think this is a huge problem for dads because all dads have to have a business/work face. The reason for this is simple: no matter how bad things are at home you are generally expected to perform at work to get your pay check. I think many young men have certain good intentions as they start out trying to be a good dad and certain things happen in life and they begin the “disconnect.” Of course this is not always the case and the patterns of putting up a “curtain” will come and go depending on the season of life and the many variables contained within.

However, this post is about recognizing the fight to tear down the “curtain” and make sure we are “there” and engaged in our family relationships. I know many dads who played at a very high level athletics in college and certainly understand attention to detail from an athletic perspective. To get to the highest level of any sport, attention to the fine details is required. The same is true of relationships and the subtle details are often what defines the difference between a “great/average/or poor” relationship.

The little detail I’m outlining today is the battle to be engaged in the moment. We need to make sure we take down any “curtain,” remove any busy work related thoughts, and engage the moment. This might include actual conversation and it might not, but it’s amazing how well sons can pick up these patterns both with and without verbal communication. As sons get older, often times the “curtain” of who you really are as a person and dad is pulled down whether you like it or not.

Encouragement: Consciously think about engaging moments with your sons with no distractions. Take a quick mental inventory of what’s behind your “curtain” and what needs to change so you can fully engage your sons as they grow. Fight hard to make sure you are not distracted when spending time with them.

I heard an illustration when I was a kid about a marching band member who insisted he was going the right direction while everyone else was going the wrong direction. Let’s pretend for the sake of this illustration that we could go behind the scenes in a “flashback” type moment to see what happened to lead up to this kid (named Cosby for this illustration) being out of step with the rest of the group. The scene finds Cosby out of step with the group while he knew the routine as good or better than anyone else in the band. He and the other band members had trained for years and knew it so well they could do it their sleep. Then one day Cosby got some new information and realized that the group was in fact wrong according to the national standard set for that particular routine. This national standard had been in place for years and virtually everyone in the country associated with bands knew this particular standard for that routine. Cosby now understood the new standard and he began to try to tell everyone in the marching band about it but nobody would listen. The band director and everyone else in the band (as well as parents and relatives in the area) insisted they were correct so they continued with the same routine. Now fast forward to the actual big event itself where we see Cosby going one direction and the rest of the band going another. People in the area are furious and so are the band director and band members. Cosby goes back to school and is ostracized from everyone told that he completely messed up any chance they had of going to the national competition. Three weeks later a member from the national organization shows up and everyone expected him to not only reject them but to make some comments about the boy who was completely going the wrong direction. The person from the national organization then tells the school they have been invited to the national competition because of the courage and bravery of the boy that did the correct pattern and was willing to go “against the grain.” The band member and everyone else were so thankful they had been invited to the national competition that they put Cosby in charge of leading the rest of the band to learn the routine according to the national standard.

The analogy does break down if pushed into different directions but does a good job of bringing some very important things to light. Does the group always determine the definition of right or does the individual? What happens when there are too many definitions of “right” and they are in conflict with each other. The interesting thing to me about the saying “against the grain” is that you first have to see the grain and then you have to determine which way the grain is aligned to know if you are going against it. Most people don’t observe the grain at all, they simply feel resistance and turn the direction that creates the least amount of pain and hardship. Once you do observe the grain and decide to go against it you have to prepare properly for the journey.

For my sons I actually want to bring about the ability to go against the grain. In this sense they will need a bit of rebellion as they get older. They will need to be able to determine the “grain” and then have the courage/determination/etc to turn into the grain and make progress against it. If the grain/current is really strong it will take an amazing amount of hard work and courage to actually create “against the grain” type movement. People that choose to go against the grain stand out, so you certainly have to know that it’s worth the fight. There are so many illustrations about things for young kids that are harmful to their health I won’t go into them all. However, let’s take an example like drug use. If a kid spends 90% of his time around a group of friends that thinks drug use is cool and the “right” thing to do it will really feel like he has to go “against the grain” to not use drugs. We need to build up the type of character in our kids that will allow them to have the strength and determination to fight against the grain when they need to.

Encouragement: Challenge yourself to do something good “against the grain” and model it for your sons. Perhaps you could be extremely unselfish about something when everyone else says you should just take care of yourself. Communicate with your son and find out what the issues are that he is faced with and determine if there is a healthy “grain” or if he needs walk “against the grain” with certain issues.

What if we were given a life meter as a young child? Let’s pretend that there is a ritual in every family when a kid becomes an adult (let’s say 14 for the sake of this illustration) that they are given a “life meter.” This meter is simply a measuring device that shows exactly how much time they have. Just like Outlook it can show it to you in 25 yr increments or days or hours or minutes, whatever you prefer. Like a “Quicken Online” you can also get online and view it broken down into pie charts and bar graphs as to where you’ve spent your time. Everywhere you go you know and understand that your time is super valuable because you see the Life Meter counting down.

If you are a dad that has sons what does your pie chart look like with regard to your relationship with your son? What is your perception of time with your son? How valuable is it and does it change as they go through different stages of development? Let’s say that your son is fully “into” his daddy at age four and begins to lose some interest around 10 or 11 and then much more so at 13 or 14. What type of value do the years from 4 ish to 12 ish have? Now you have two life meters, one for your entire life and one specifically for your relationship with your son. You can just go online and merge the two life meters into a single pie chart that will show you the total amount of time you’ve “invested” in this relationship in contrast to the other areas of you life. The challenge here first is to see the incredible value of these years. The second battle is to bring “investments” of time in line with the value.

Encouragement: Engage the battle for your time and make it come in line with the value you place on this relationship. Never be discouraged if your son is 5 or 50 it’s always a worthwhile investment!!!

Have you ever been stuck in a classroom or Dr’s office and watched the second hand slowly work it’s way around the clock? It seems like the more you focus on it the slower it seems to move. When you are watching the seconds pass it actually seems like time moves quite slowly. It’s quite funny then when we see a niece or nephew or relative we haven’t seen in a while and they’ve grown so much it blows you away. The typical comment is: “Wow, time is flying…you’re so big now.” When you have young children at home it’s amazing how much change even a month will bring. It’s like a whirlwind where you’re so busy days just fly by and you hit the bed exhausted…then get up the next morning (if your lucky a little one didn’t wake you up). Perceptions about the rate at which time is passing might change but the rate itself hasn’t changed.

Why is time even relevant? If you lived on an island with no clocks you would simply know time through the progression of the sun and day and night. After many day and night cycles the signs our body has changed emerge. If we are young we see all kinds of signs of growth and progress. As we get older we see the signs the body is in decline. The fact of the matter is that time exists primarily because we only have so much of it.

(This is the first of a two part post…please read “Life Meter” to catch the second half)

Wow…does time fly when you are a parent! I was going through a routine today during set up for a practice and was in my own world. My oldest son yelled, “Hey Daddy!” I kept setting up and going about my business and he yelled again, “hey DADDY!!…guess what?” I answered, expecting it to be related to our practice set up or the practice itself. He said proudly, “I touched a butterfly!!…and it just let me.” He was beaming and so excited it totally took me off guard. The strange thing about raising boys is that they sometimes jump back and forth between being a little boy again and being a little man. In this case my son is about to turn 10 and I can see the signs all over the place that my time in this phase is short. Before long he will have graduated to the “cool” mode and a need for independence will set in…which is both natural and good. I still can’t believe how the time has flown by though. Today galvanized my ambition to make the most of every day with my boys during these years!! Soon butterflies won’t hold the same fascination and neither will daddy. I left the practice field today thankful for having my eyes open to the value of this time period but also very saddened for those dads that work their way through and just miss it.

Encouragement: DON’T MISS IT!

When you have more than one son it becomes amazingly obvious that you’re dealing with different creatures. Each one is very different from the other in so many ways. It can be a real eye opener as you see just how different they are. Another huge eye opener is trying to encourage each son according to how they are wired. Hopefully each one can then carve out a healthy, independent identity of their own in a healthy way. A huge dad task to be effective is to understand your own lenses. How do I view each of them? Is my assessment of them fair? Have I pushed them into being something that doesn’t fit without knowing it? It’s tough as a dad because it takes a lot of effort to really study and understand what makes each son “tick.” How can I really dive in and understand the sons that are not wired like me? With some sons it might require more work and not be as “natural” to communicate effectively. However, we are the adults and the onus is on us to provide the leadership within the relationship. We have to dive in an up the effort if it’s not natural. The bottom line is that each son needs us to work hard at how we understand, relate to, and communicate with them.

Encouragement: Do I really know who my son is and appreciate him for who he is? How can I encourage and build him up in a way that will mean something specifically to him?

Because I have three boys I get to watch all of them react differently to different challenges. I learned something very valuable by watching one of my boys try to accomplish a task. He would work and work and work toward his goal. His determination and work ethic were off the chart and I tried to help him see this. He was driven so hard toward the number he thought he needed to get that he couldn’t see anything else. He was doing great and almost set some new records for himself several times. Then I saw it all unravel…he started to believe that because he had not achieved one more than his old record all of his efforts that day were worthless and wasted time. He then moved on to saying that there is no way he would EVER achieve this new goal and NEVER could do it…all in the same night. As a parent it’s easy to almost laugh because we know it’s just a starting point and the work effort was great. I worked hard to communicate how important is to have goals but to enjoy the journey. I then spoke a great deal about the value of the hard work he’d put in. I explained that the hard work was laying a foundation for him to easily break his record (he did break it the next morning).

How many times have we looked at our sons and seen great things about them but have trouble communicating it to them? (we’ll have to tackle those that can’t see the good in another post)

Encouragement: Take the time to work daily to make sure you communicate the value of your son to him in things that have nothing to do with performance. Be determined, take whatever time is necessary to discover and help root out self image lies early before they become a bigger problem.

I love the picture of the movie from Monsters Inc. because the show gives us a little window into the world of “monsters” in a clever way. I was reminded of another vital role of a daddy once again this weekend. My little 3 1/2 yr old boy is having trouble with nightmares and doesn’t want to go to sleep at night because he’s been getting so afraid. I’ve noticed he seems to need a few more hugs from dad and really wants to follow me around. Then today he said “daddy, the reason I love you is that you scare away the monsters.”  He said this once before and I really didn’t pay much attention until he repeated it several times and I realized this really meant something to him. When a child is hurt they often go to mom because they feel like mom is best at helping them with their injury (generally speaking of course). In the same way, daddy can be a figure the kids look to for protection and comfort when they are afraid. I think protection goes beyond a passive role to an active role of giving them some extra hugs and a little more attention to explain “monsters” to them.

Encouragement: How can I make sure I’m there to comfort and provide protection for my sons? Am I in touch with the things that create anxiety or fear in my sons?